


Coping Mechanisms

by MollieExhumed



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Drug Abuse, Female Eren Yeager, Friends With Benefits, Gender or Sex Swap, Good Parent Grisha, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:46:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7330081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MollieExhumed/pseuds/MollieExhumed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger didn't have an easy childhood, constant flashbacks and nightmares of flesh-eating giants kept her from sleeping and isolated her from the rest of her peers. Through all of the terror she faced on her own she always stayed strong in the hope of finding her friends who fought with her and the man who had given her a reason to fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! For anyone who doesn't know, this is a write of my story The World Just Loves To Screw Me Over, the idea for this story has been in my head for a while and my first attempt at writing follows a very different timeline that I didn't end up thinking was the best was to portray this story.
> 
> It's been a while since I've posted anything or even written anything due to some mental health issues, I just lost all my motivation to write but I'm happy to say I've been getting help and am happy to start writing again.  
> The Eren in this story is more modeled after myself than the character we know and love from the anime/manga so please keep that in mind while reading. Some of the struggles she faces as similar but not the same to my own and she deals with those struggles much differently than I did.
> 
> Anyway this note was very long, please enjoy the first chapter!
> 
> Warnings: Drug and Alcohol Abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for the Chapter: Drug and Alcohol Abuse

I sighed as I stared out the window of the dirty old pick-up. Mikasa and I had been driving for almost eight hours, and the late august sun was becoming a dark golden orange as it lowered on the horizon. I was bored out of my mind after seeing nothing but trees and the occasional car for the past five hours.

“Eren,” Mikasa’s tired voice broke the easy silence of the car, “stop scowling, we’re almost there.”

“Joy,” I mumbled, my warm breath fogging up the cold glass of the passenger seat window. Mikasa directed a pointed glare at the back of my head, but I paid it no mind.

Accepting that she would not be getting a reaction from me, Mikasa turned her attention back to the desolate rode in front of her, “This will be good for you Eren. You can find something to be passionate about again. Maybe that will help you.” 

“The last thing I need is something to be passionate about, Mikasa, I’m fine,” I grunted back.

“Sure you are,” she laughed humorlessly, “because people who go missing for weeks on end, are fine. People who get shit-faced so often that sobriety is surprising, are fine. People who have had more pregnancy scares in the past two years than I can count on my fingers because they sleep around with random strangers, are fine. Yeah Eren, you’re perfectly fine.”

I pursed my lips as waves of guilt, embarrassment, and anger washed over me. I leaned further into the window and shut my eyes, I clenched my fists at my sides and relished in the slight stinging pain my nails made as I did so. I exhaled slowly allowing myself to focus on the pain and calm down. I allowed for the familiar feeling of cool apathy to absorb the negative emotions.

“What happened to you Eren?” Mikasa whispered against the wheel.

I didn’t respond, I had successfully avoided having to explain my self-destructive habits to anyone for over a year, like hell I was going to break that streak because Mikasa had managed to trap me in her death-mobile for five hours. I shifted to curl into the passenger door with my head still resting on the window. Mikasa’s silent resignation allowed for uneasy silence to settle in the car as we continued down the road for the hours it took to reach our destination.

______________________________________________________________________________

“Eren.”

“Eren, come on, we’re here.”

My eyes fluttered open and I squinted at the light being shone in my face as I woke up from the sleep I had apparently fallen into. A blurry Mikasa filled my vision as the light was redirected, and my eyes began to adjust.

 “Come on, you have to carry your bags in,” she told me. 

I stepped out of the truck and straightened my clothes that were all twisted from napping against a car door. I stretched my hands over my head and heard a few pops from my shoulder blades before bending forward and fixing my socks so they would peek out of my combat boots. I walked around to the trunk and grabbed a large black duffle, a rolling suitcase, and my backpack before turning to join Mikasa in navigating through the large parking lot.

“It’s only 7:40 so we can probably still eat in the dining hall if we set our stuff down and head over there,” Mikasa said.

“Hm,” I grunted in response. Mikasa and I made our way to the administration building where we were supposed to pick up our keys and our ID cards. I waited outside the building with our bags while Mikasa went in to get our stuff. I looked around the near-empty parking lot numbly, this was college. God, just the thought of college was exhausting; more classes, more responsibilities. I hadn’t planned on going to college, I had a pretty good job set up back home at a small business for after high school but then I found out that my dad had been putting away money for years so I could go. Not many people could say that they were guilt tripped into receiving a higher education, complaining really made me seem like a brat.

Since my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer money had been tight. We tried treatment but the cancer was caught too late and she was dead within a year of diagnosis, just long enough for the cost of the treatments to send us into crippling debt. In order to pay the bills, my father had to travel around to treat more affluent patients with his in-home, private medical service. Growing up I rarely saw my father, and all the money he made had to go towards bills and groceries, so denying him the fatherly right to send his only kid to college was a no-go.

Mikasa exited the building that she had disappeared into and joined me by the sidewalk. She handed me a small bronze key, my ID card, and a piece of thick, pink paper with my schedule for the semester on it. I handed Mikasa her duffle bag and large Vera Bradley tote and we grabbed our suitcases by the handles and began walking towards our assigned dorm building.

The building was a five story, red brick building in the shape of a cube with a courtyard in the middle. Mikasa and I walked through an underpass that led to the grassy courtyard the walls were lined with doors with the letters J-Q above each of them.

Mikasa led me toward the door with a rusted metal ‘M’ above it, inside was a narrow staircase through which Mikasa and I had to drag our stuff up. We struggled our way up two flights of stairs laughing at our sad attempts to keep all of our stuff in order as we ascended. Mikasa stopped in front of a steel blue door with ‘217’ painted onto it and hurriedly shoved her new key into the keyhole. Inside was a narrow hallway with two bedrooms on the left side, a small bathroom on the right, and a tiny open room at the end. Mikasa opened the bedroom door closest to her, inside was a small room with two wooden dressers, a closet, two desks, and a bunk bed. 

Mikasa walked into the bedroom, that we would be claiming as our own, and threw her tote bag onto the top bunk. I followed in suit and tossed my backpack and duffle bag onto the bottom bunk. We left our rolling suitcases in the middle of the room and rummaged through our bags to find our wallets, so we could get dinner.

“Ready?” Mikasa asked after she located her wallet and waited for me to do the same. I nodded and followed her out of the dorm. As we made our way down the stairs, I pull out my phone and unravel my headphones. I had a habit of canceling out the rest of the world with my music as I walk. Thankfully Mikasa was more than used to this habit, so it didn’t offend her when I did it as we walked to the student center.

I followed Mikasa blindly, hoping she knew where she was going, and my mind drifted a bit as I focused on the loud lyrics being screamed in my ear. Mikasa turned left from the main path toward a large brick building with a multitude of glass windows. The outside of the building was surrounded by a multitude of colorful summer flowers that brighten the older building with their vibrant colors that glowed under the lights that were fixed on them. 

Mikasa and I walked into the building, and headed into the dining hall.  We grabbed trays together but separated to get our food. I walked over to a counter with six built-in soup pots each with a cover, ladle, and label. Deciding “Lemon-Chicken Orzo” sounded best, I grabbed a disposable bowl and scooped two ladles of soup into it. I grabbed a plastic yellow spoon and a water bottle before meeting up with Mikasa at the check-out line.

After we’d paid Mikasa led me through rows of busy tables that were filled people. Mikasa spun around a few times, trying to locate an empty seat, but to no avail.

“No way,” an easily recognizable voice spoke from our right, “Mikasa?”

Mikasa and I whipped around to find a tall student with familiar two-toned hair and an unusually long face standing a few feet away from us, holding a full tray of food. He stood in front of us and gaped in surprised delight at Mikasa.

“Jean?” Mikasa asked, seemingly equally as surprised as the horse that stood before us.

A mammoth grin broke out on Jean’s face and he made his way over to where Mikasa and I were standing, “No, fucking way; it is you!”

Mikasa allowed a small, pleased smile to set over her face, “Hello Jean, it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, a pretty long fucking while,” he responded good-naturedly, “Reiner, Bert, and Annie are here with me too, and we just found Marco here a few months ago at orientation, they’re still sitting at our table over there. You and your friend should join us.”

Jean pointed enthusiastically to a table towards the back of the room where I recognized the faces of my old training group staring back at us curiously.

I quirked an eyebrow up at Jean, knowing full well he didn’t recognize me, he noticed my staring and shot a wink at me. I wrinkled my nose in disgust and scuffed, “Gross.”

Jean furrowed his eyebrows at the remark, “You say something, beautiful?”

“Yeah, I said gross horserace.” The color in Jean’s face drained rapidly as his expression morphed from flirtatious to disbelieving.

“E- _Eren_?” He sputtered.

“No, the Queen of fucking England,” I quipped with a smirk, thoroughly amused with the way our reacquainting was playing out.

“B-but you’re a girl,” Jean informed me.

“I am aware,” I deadpanned. He continued to stare at me incredulously and I felt an amused smile tug on my lips. I looked over at Mikasa who let out a soft giggle and looked on approvingly at Jean and me.

“ _Why_?” Jean let out a cry of utter confusion and flushed a bit with embarrassment.

“I don’t fucking know, does it matter?” I muttered defensively, tearing my gaze from Jean down to my shoes.

“Eren,” Mikasa interjected softly.

“What?” I asked innocently, raising my eyes to meet hers.

“It was just a question, he wasn’t judging you,” Mikasa stepped closer to me and whispered the reassurance so that Jean couldn’t hear.

I fluttered my eyes back up at Jean and sighed, “Fine, whatever.”

Mikasa spared me a hesitant glance before turning to Jean apologetically, “Eren and I would be happy to join you guys at your table.”

Jean nodded at Mikasa, gave me a confused once over, and turned to lead us through the bustling dining hall, to the table where Reiner, Bert, Annie, and Marco had been watching the previous exchange attentively. As we got closer I saw recognition flicker in their eyes as they got a better look at Mikasa. I could understand why they didn’t recognise her from a distance, Mikasa tended to pull her hair out of her face in this life, as well as wear light makeup. She had a much friendlier and more feminine-looking face that what they were used to.

Reiner and Bert didn't look all that different, just a little older than the last time I had seen them, in my past life. Annie still wore her hair in a low messy bun, but her eyes appeared a more intense blue because of a light lining that was applied around them. Marco’s face, on the other hand, was one that I barely remembered. He had died so early on that eventually I had just forgotten what he looked like. Looking at him now though, I had a hard time believing that I could have ever forgotten the inviting freckled face.

Marco and Reiner smiled warmly at Mikasa as we approached the table and Bert waved shyly. Annie stared down at her food, refusing to acknowledge us. Mikasa greeted everyone kindly and I waved awkwardly before sliding my headphones back in, taking full advantage of the fact that they didn't recognize me. Jean, who had left the table to find us chairs, came back carrying two and set them down in-between Reiner and himself.

I sat down and tuned out for the rest of the meal, Mikasa allowed it but would nudge me to remind me to eat my soup. I doodled some abstract picture using an app on my phone while Mikasa socialized and the others at the table left me in peace, though I did catch Annie staring at me occasionally with an unreadable expression.

When the others were done eating, we dropped our tray off and threw out our trash before heading to the door, Mikasa, Annie, and I lagged behind the guys on our way out of the student center. Mikasa sped up a bit to say goodnight to Bert, Reiner, Marco, and Jean. Annie grabbed my arm to pull me aside and handed me a piece of paper. I looked up at her curiously.

“A friend of mine is having a bonfire tonight, meet me at my dorm at nine if you’re interested,” Annie explained quietly then turned away from me and began walking down the concrete path. I watched her leave silently and allowed myself a deep breath. Alcohol was exactly what I needed right now. I folded the slip of paper and put it in my front jean pocket then walked over to Mikasa so we could go back to our dorm.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

The door creaked as I slipped out of the dorm room, Mikasa had decided to turn in early because of all the driving she had to do, so I didn't have to come up with an excuse for going out. I quietly locked the door behind me as I turned to make my way to Annie’s dorm. I had on a pair of acid washed jeans and a loose grey tank top with ‘I have no feelings, just sarcasm’ written on it in bold capital letters. I had loosely curled my hair and smudged on a dark smokey eye.        

I checked the folded slip of paper that Annie had given me once more before knocking softly on the door that the paper had instructed that I go to. Annie opened the door and made no effort to hide the once-over she gave me. When she met my eyes, she gave me a pleased smirk and motioned for me to come in.

Annie somehow had scored a single, which was tiny, but private. She had the provided room furnishings like we all did and had brought a few things like a tribal tapestry she had hung on the wall to hide the white cinder blocks and a variety of plants, but not much else was in the room. It wasn't very personalized, not in the way you would expect a teenage girl’s dorm room to be.

“We’re taking Jean,” Annie explained collapsing on a black bean bag in the corner of the room, “he doesn't think there’s a difference between a high school party and a college party.”

“Well horserace is lacking in the brain department,” I replied and leaned against the wall opposite to Annie.

Annie huffed an impatient sigh, “He’s fucking late and I want to get high. You got anything?”

“I shoved some pills in my bag this morning,” I said and started digging through my bag.

“How much?” Annie sat up a bit to watch me.

“Looks like four 175 milligrams of molly,” I replied as I grabbed the tiny plastic bag of blue pills from the bottom of my bag.

Annie smiled at me and stood up to make her way over to me. I open the bag and there is a soft knock on the door. Annie gives me an exacerbated look before turning around and opening the door for Jean, who is standing on her doorstep in a pair of black skinny jeans and a fade flannel over a grey wife-beater. 

“What’s she doing here?” Jean scowled as soon as he noticed me behind Annie.

“I invited her, if I’m bringing a virgin I may as well bring someone to entertain me,” Annie explained.

Jean laughed humorlessly, “You just met her today, how do you know if Eren’s any fun or not? I mean you're talking about little miss ‘I’m antisocial and too good for you,’ I bet she's never been to a party in her life.”

“She brought molly, so she’s already more fun than you will ever be,” Annie replied sharply before charging past Jean out of the dorm and towards the edge of campus. I followed and motioned for Jean to do the same, rolling my eyes.

“Molly?” Jean asked breaking the silence.

“Ecstasy,” I clarified.

“Oh,” Jean replied, deciding to stay silent the rest of the walk.

As the road came into view I could see a small black car sitting on the shoulder. Annie led us to the car and we piled into the back. Inside were two guys, they couldn't have been older than 20 and were listening to some really loud bass-y song.

“Annie,” the driver drawled, “you brought friends, awesome, tonights gunna be dope. Charlie got some really good stuff. I mean like better than July.”

“Better be,” Annie muttered unimpressed, “come on, lets go I want to get fucked up.”

The driver nodded and started down the road. Annie turned to me expectantly and I grinned at her, knowing exactly what she wanted. I rummaged back through my bag and pulled out the little blue pills. I pulled out four and offered one to Annie and the guy in the passenger seat. Annie pulled a water bottle out of her bag and washed down the pill before handing the bottle to the passenger, who did the same. I turned to Jean and offered him a pill.

“Uh, how strong is it?” Jean asked hesitantly.

“Each pill is 175 milligrams,” I replied.

“Is that a lot?” He asked, and I have to say it was kind of cute how nervous he was, it wasn't a bad thing to be scared to drugs you haven't taken before but I could tell he wasn't sure if he should just do it because we all were.

I decided to take pity on him, “Jean, you don't have to take it, it’s fine, no one’s going to think any less of you.”

“Oh, um, then I’ll pass tonight,” he replied and turned to look out the window, obviously a little embarrassed.

I popped the pill into my mouth and took a swig from Annie’s water bottle to wash it down. I was unsurprised to find the bottle was filled with cheap vodka and offered it to Jean.

“Vodka,” I informed him before he could ask, he gave me a grateful nod before grabbing the bottle and taking a few drinks. He capped the bottle and handed it back to me with a shy smile. 

When we arrived I leaned forward to hand our driver a pill and the bottle of vodka which he took from me gladly. We were somewhere in the woods about fifteen minutes from campus. I grabbed my bag and threw the pills back into it and exited the car with Annie.

“It’s just up this trail, there’s a bonfire and an abandoned house that the guy I told you about found,” Annie explained as she walked up a dirt trail, leading us deeper into the woods.      

Eventually the flickering yellow light of the bonfire became visible through the trees and the guys who were in the car broke away from us to find their friends. Music was playing loudly through some obviously low-quality speakers that made a soft vibrating sound in protest of the volume. As we became visible a guy with shaggy black hair called out to Annie and jogged over to us with a distorted grin gracing his features.

“Ay Annie, ya’ made it!” He said, “This stuff is better than July I swear, it gives you such a good head high.”

He shrugged one of the shoulders of his backpack off and unzipped it, inside was an assortment of drugs, mostly weed but some other stuff. He pulled out a bag of weed with purple sticker on it.

“Here, one ounce for eighty,” he offered with a smile.

Annie squinted at him, “You promised cheap.”

“It is this stuff is great An,” the guy insisted.

“I’ll take it for sixty-five, no more,” Annie said in a way that left no room for argument.

            The guy sighed and caved, “I never could argue with you An, what can I say, you're one of my favorites. All right, I’ll make an exception but you tell no one.”

“Deal,” Annie said.

“Who’s your friend?” He asked looking me up and down.

I grinned suggestively up at him, “Eren.”

“Charlie,” he replied as his pupils dilated a bit, “you ever need anything, you ask Annie for me, I’ll care of you.”

I smirked at him and walked closer to him, I pressed up against him and leaned up, placing my right hand against his jaw bone.

“Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” I breathed against his lips then turned my head and walked back over to Annie who watched the exchange impatiently and Jean, whose jaw could not possible drop any further.

 “We'll be using your bong and your car,” Annie called over her shoulder with a grin.  
“Uh huh,” Charlie agreed and walked back over to the bonfire where a small group of people were passing around a couple blunts.

Annie entered a car that was parked at the edge of the dirt clearing and made sure all the windows were rolled up tightly so the car would be air tight. Jean and I followed in after her shutting the door behind us. Annie shuffled through her bag and pulled out a grinder and then filled the bowl of the bong that was sitting on the passenger seat. Jean pulled out a black lighter and handed it to Annie, letting her take the first hit. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes before slowly breathing out passing down the bong. Jean took a decent-sized hit and blew the smoke out, passing the bong to me. We continued passing the bong around until the car was filled with the smoke the three of us had been exhaling.          

Jean was leaning back in the seat and giggling dazedly. Annie and I glanced over at each other and smiled in amusement.

“All right,” Annie announced, “someone was giving out free beers and I want to get crossed, you coming Eren?”

I chuckled and shook my head, “Nah, I’ll stay here and watch the foal.”

  
Jean huffed at the nickname but stayed silent, Annie, however, found it much funnier and laughed aloud. 

“Suit yourself, I’ll meet you back at the car around three,” she said as she scrambled out of the car and hurried to shut the door behind her.

I turned to Jean and laughs when I saw that he was still scowling at being called foal.         

“So, you like me being high, Jean?” I teased, knowing he just not have ever smoked this much.

Jean turned to me and started giggling like a giddy kid, “Dude I can’t see for fucking shit right now, where the fuck is your face?”

I moved closer to him until I was practically on top of him and moved my head until our noses were touching, “I’m right fucking here.”

“Oh,” he laughed and stroked my hair, “soft.”

I grunted in recognition and pressed my lips against his. Jean stiffened slightly then leaned into my lips, I nipped at his lower lip and he began lazily kissing back. Jean tasted like spearmint and weed as I explored his mouth with my tongue. He began kissing me more enthusiastically, threading his fingers through my hair. I grabbed his face and pulled back a bit.

“You know what I’ve always wanted to do?” I ask him as I stare him straight in the eyes.

“No,” he grinned, “what?”

I smirk at him and murmur against his lips, “Fuck in a hotbox.”

“Hmm,” he hummed and the vibrations tickled my lips and sent an excited tingle down my spine.

“You want to?” I prompt him.

He furrowed his brow and tilted his head, “What? Us? Now?” 

“Yeah,” I clarified, “now, us, fuck in this hotbox, right here.”  
“B-but we don't even like each other,” he sputtered, and it was so adorable I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my lips.

“So, it’s just sex, who cares,” I told him, “we’re both high as fuck and I’m horny.”

“But it’s supposed to be special and shit,” Jean pouted adorably. I giggled at his pathetic expression and turned my head to mouth at his jawline.

“What, are you a virgin?” I scoffed and swung a leg over lap so I was straddling him. He looked confused and unsure and a bit embarrasses as a blush rose onto his cheeks.

“Wait,” I froze, pulling back a bit to look at him curiously, “you’re not a virgin, are you?”

“W-what,” Jean defended, “of course not!”

I threw my head back and laughed, I couldn't help it, he was just too cute, “Oh my god, you are!”

Jean blushed and pulled away from me, but I grabbed him and held him still and guided his face to look me in the eyes, “Sorry, sorry, don’t worry though I’ll take care of you, besides you gotta lose it sometime. C’mon it’ll be fun, promise.”

To emphasize my point, I began rolling my hips over his crotch, making him groan involuntarily. I pulled his face towards mine and pressed our mouths together again. I began swirling our tongues together, sucking and nipping on his lower lip. He moaned into the kiss, invading my mouth with his tongue. 

I smirked, “Is that a yes?”

Jean nodded enthusiastically and began kissing me again. I giggled into his mouth and slowly moved my hands from his face down to his neck. I dragged my palms along his clothed chest and abs before settling them on his hips. I increased the intensity the kiss and grabbed the bottom of his wife-beater, tugging it up to reveal some mildly impressive abs. Jean seemed to understand what I was trying to do and remove his hands from my hair and pulled off his flannel. I pulled back from him so I could remove the tank top. 

His chest was tan and surprisingly chiseled. I returned my lips to his lips and Jean seemed to have gained some confidence because he was trailing his hands, that had previously stayed above my shoulders, down to my breasts and sides and down to my stomach. Jean lifted my shirt slowly and slipped a hand under to dance across my stomach. I growled at the sensation and traced the muscles of my chest and stomach with my fingers.

Jean inched a hand higher and higher, making my shirt ride up as he did, until I got so frustrated with his tentativeness that I pulled back and took my shirt off myself. As soon as it was off Jean latched onto my neck, licking and nipping and sucking in a pleasant display of talent. I moaned and allowed my head to roll back. Gradually he moved down from my neck to my breasts, taking one in his hand and gently massaging it and he dragged the other into his mouth, his other hand holding my hip and rubbing soft circles into the bone.

A familiar flood of heat ran through my body as the sensation made me roll my hips down with a whine, seeking friction. Finally, Jean unclasped my bra and discarded it. He started tweaking one of my hardening nipples and sucking and biting lightly on the other. I groaned and he thrusted his hips up to my rolling hips, he gasped at the friction.

When I’d had enough dry humping I reached down to open his fly and yanked his pants down to his knees. I sat on his thighs and began licking his collar bone as I took his cock into my hand, moving it slowly up and down. I swiped my thumb across his leaking tip and heard him let out a ragged gasp. With my free hand I reached into my jeans and rubbed small circles against my swollen clit. When I started to soak my underwear I removed my hand and rummaged through my bag for a condom. I took one out and handed it to Jean, who, thankfully, understood and I didn't have to tell him what to do. I removed myself from his lap so I could hastily pull off my jean and my black lace thong before straddling him again, hovering over his achingly hard member. I dipped down, slowly running my slit over the head of cock, drawing out a dissatisfied whine.

“So impatient,” I scolded cheekily.

“Just, a-ah, hurry up,” he whined.

I smirked down at him, “Magic word?”

“God, Eren, plea-uh!” I dropped myself down on his cock taking him in fully. I panted a bit and rolled my hips getting used to his size, he was pretty well-endowed, but not painfully big.

“Ughm fuck, Eren,” Jean groaned.

“Mmm,” I moaned and slowly raised myself up and down on his shaft, riding it at a steady pace drawing out gasps and moans from the boy beneath me.

I gradually sped up and rode him harder, slamming myself all the way down. Jean started thrusting his hips upwards to meet me.

“F-fuck,” Jean held my hips tightly and threw his head back. I reached down and gripped the base of his cock, cutting off his orgasm.

“Er-, ah, Eren, uh, why’d yeah, hm, do that?” Jean panted.

“You don't get to come until I do, horseface,” I growled back.

After I was sure I had warded off his orgasm I moved faster, my breaths coming out heavily. Moans and grunts filled the smokey car. The windows were frogging up with precipitation and the car was creaking with every bounce.

“Fucking hell,” Jean groaned, “are you close?”

“Mhm,” I grunted and rode him faster. I felt my climax building in my stomach and struggled to keep my pace steady. I let go of my grip on Jean and pressed both of my hands against his chest to steady myself as he met my thrusts, nailing my g-spot.

“Agh,” I grunted, “God, coming!”

Jean grunted back and moaned loudly as he met his release, his hip jerked into my g-spot a few more times as he rode out his orgasm, causing my own climax.

“Agnn,” I moaned as I rolled my hips around his deflating member, basking in the post-orgasmic glow.

“Fun?” I mumbled, catching my breath.

Jean huffed a laugh and turned his head to look at me with a fucked-out smile, “Yeah, fun.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for the Chapter: Slut Shaming

It was almost 5:30 when I finally got back to mine and Mikasa’s dorm room, it was still dark out but the horizon was beginning to turn a lighter blue as the sun would rise within the hour. I unlocked the door and slipped into the room as quietly as I could, the inside of the dorm was much darker than it was outside and it took a few seconds and a lot of exaggerated blinking to force my eyes to adjust to the level of darkness. Mikasa was still passed on her bed, curled in fetal position with her back to the door, the covers were pulled under her armpits as she cradled her head with her hands. The sight of Mikasa so relaxed and sleeping so peaceful brought a smile onto my face.

 

I wandered further into the bedroom awkwardly, still adjusting to the darkness. I clumsily found my way to the closet and grabbed the first shirt and pair of pants I could feel. I then exited the bedroom and made my way to the bathroom. I closed the door slowly as not to make any unnecessary noise before turning on the light. I stripped off the clothes I had worn to the party, they were slightly damp from sweat and covered in dirt from sitting on the ground around the bonfire. I made sure to avoid looking in the mirror, a practice that had begun my second year of high school when I started coming home in the morning and found that I couldn't ward off the feelings of self-hatred and self-deprecation as I stared into my own eyes.

 

I found it funny that I could go fifteen years with god awful nightmares and overwhelming feelings of grief and loneliness and still find the will to try and make the best of the life I’d been given, mostly, but that one single event could break me apart so perfectly. It’s honestly pathetic that I allowed any one person to have so much power over me and I blame my past self for being so weak. Back then I depended so much on a single person, for strength and courage and ultimately the will to go on after I watched my friends and family perish one after the other. Love is a dangerous thing, I learned that the hard way.

 

I stepped into the cool shower, not bothering to wait for the water to warm up, I’d always found that cold water was the best kind of distraction, especially after a night of doing exactly what I’m not supposed to be doing. I let the icy spray hit my face and fall down the rest of my body, washing away the sweat, dirt, and the smell of drugs. I grabbed some shampoo, Mikasa’s I’m assuming because I hadn't really finished unpacking yet, it smelled minty and a little herby which was pretty soothing, like those super expensive aroma-therapy soaps and oils hippies like to use to ‘center themselves’, I’ve always been more partial to weed but whatever works I guess.

 

I massaged the suds into my scalp, letting my fingernails scratch the skin and exhaling as the tension left my body. The cool water slowly began warming as it hit the small of my back while I worked the shampoo through my hair slowly. I collected some of the suds from my head and began trailing my soapy hands along the rest of my body, working off the rest of the grime. I rinsed off the suds, closing my eyes as I stood under the water just to breathe and collect myself. My morning guilt was beginning to set in, because even though I didn’t care what people thought of me or of the way that I lived my life, I hated being an embarrassment to my friends and my father. 

 

Mikasa and Armin had been my ever-loyal friends since high-school, even when I didn't deserve their support. When we had found each other on our first day of Trost High School. I had spent most of the day being quiet little antisocial teenager, so I hadn't made any friends and by lunch I had no one to sit with. It had been a pretty nice day, warm and sunny, typical early September weather, so I had decided to sit outside under the shade of a nearby tree. In an attempt to not look like a complete loser, I grabbed a book out of my backpack that I had packed in case of emergency, it had been Pride and Prejudice, one of my mother’s favorites. I wasn't a huge fan of historical fiction but the book made me feel closer to my mother so I tended to reread it whenever I felt lonely.

 

It had probably been about twenty minutes into the break period when some baby-faced dork, in a completely hipster get-up of wide-frame glasses, a soft pink beanie, and a collared shirt with a loose cardigan over it, interrupted my reading by raving over how much he loves Pride and Prejudice. I, of course, had recognized him immediately, the boy could only be the bowl haired boy from my noghtmares, Armin Arlet. So, like an idiot, I had just blurted out his name, which freaked him to because he obviously didn't recognize me. This lack of recognition from people I had dreamed about soon became one of the most common themes in my life.

 

He had stared at me with wide confused eyes for a good minute before he realized who I was, by that point Mikasa had come up behind him and glanced between Armin and I in confusion. Armin stood in shock while Mikasa put together why he was reacting the way he was, and when she got it, tears had filled her eyes and she threw herself down, into my arms, chanting my name happily through her soft sobs. I had motioned for Armin to join in on the love and he had slowly sunk down to his knees and buried his face into my neck as silent tears fell down his cheeks.

           

I didn't end up having any classes with either of them that year but they did go home with me that day and we had spent the day reminiscing and eating junk food, it had been a good day. Armin hadn’t remembered anything until he’d seen my face that day, which was why he had been so quiet and still with shock, all his memories had just come rushing back as soon as he recognized me. Mikasa had remembered me but only had memories of before the fall of Wall Maria and like Armin had remembered the rest when she saw me.

           

That day was the first time I ever had actual, living proof that the horrors that haunted my nightmares were real and had occurred at some point. Proof that I was neither insane, nor did I have an over-active and morbid imagination. After that day, I was so determined to find everyone it was borderline obsessive, Mikasa and Armin had teased me constantly for my overwhelming desire to find Levi, but I hadn't been bothered, I was young and absolutely in love with my past lover. Looking back, it had been rather naive of me to assume that nothing would change in this life and that Levi would be just as in love with me as he had been and we would be together forever and ever and all that fluffy, happily ever after bullshit. Honestly, I should have known better given that neither of my lives had played out in a way that would lead me to some happy fairy tale ending.

           

I felt my chest growing heavier as my thoughts lingered on Levi. I hated love, but it was, unfortunately, all I felt every time my thoughts wandered to him. Just an overwhelming feeling of love, quickly followed by intense longing and pain. I despised feeling like that. I had spent long enough moping and pining over a man that would never love me again, not in the way I wanted him to. 

           

I shut off the shower hastily and stepped out of the stall, dripping water all over the frigid tile floor. I grabbed my towel off of the back of the door where it hung on a Command hook that Mikasa had stuck there. I dried off my body and flipped over to wrap the towel around my hair. The shirt I ended up grabbing was a loose tan long sleeve shirt with a wide neck hole that hung off my shoulder, I slid on the black shorts I’d grabbed and slipped out of the bathroom.

           

Mikasa was already dressed and was sitting at her desk putting on her light everyday makeup when I walked back into the bedroom.

           

“You are up early,” Mikasa commented, taking in my appearance.

           

“Yeah,” I agreed not wanting to elaborate because for some reason Mikasa always knows when I’m lying.

           

“I have a class in about an hour, so I won’t be joining you for breakfast today, maybe we can catch up for lunch? When are you free today?” Mikasa asked as she finished up her makeup.

           

“Uh, I’m pretty sure I only have Spanish and history today,” I informed her as I made my way to my own desk to clean up the raccoon eyes the shower had no doubt left me with, “I have Spanish at 10:15 and history isn't until 4:00.”

           

“Oh, good, then I’ll meet you in the dining hall at one, okay?” Mikasa asked.

           

“Yeah sounds good,” I told her as I wiped away the black that had bled from around my eyes to the rest of my face.

           

Mikasa neatly put her makeup back into her top desk drawer and got up from her desk. She grabbed her backpack, which was full, because she had packed it last night before she had gone to bed.

           

“All right I’ll see you later Eren,” Mikasa called as she headed for the door, “don’t be late for your first day of class!”

           

Mikasa left the dorm and I finished fixing up my face. I didn't feel like putting on more makeup so I just left a bit of black under my eyes and on my top lash line, all natural smokey-eye as I like to call it. I know it’s a little unhygienic, but it’s a lot less effort and it looks a lot better than any smokey eye I’d ever tried to give myself. I coated my lashes with some black mascara and added a bit of concealer under my eyes and called it a day.

           

Next order of business, I needed coffee.

           

Unfortunately, I had no idea which of the boxes, that my father had had dropped off for Mikasa and I two days previously, my coffee maker was in. And the amount of effort digging through all those boxes would take, was more effort than my current energy level would be able to handle.       

           

I grabbed my darkest pair of sunglasses and mostly empty backpack from where I had dropped them on the floor yesterday, and head out the door. It was almost 7:30 and all the kids who decided that 8:15 classes sounded like a good idea were walking down the paths towards various building with different protein bars and shakes, smoothies, or juices grasped in their hands.

           

I made my way towards O’Nally Hall in the hopes of finding caffeine, and by the way the other students were avoid walking near me I’m assumed I looked angry or at least intimidating, which I’m told I can look like when I’m tired. I can admit that I’m grumpy before I have my morning caffeine, but that’s what I get for developing a dependence so early in life. According to my high school psych teacher, my continued consumption of coffee, over the period that I’ve been drinking it regularly, has literally altered my brain chemistry to a point where it doesn't behave normally unless I drink caffeine regularly, like the way addictions form. I mean I suppose that should ward me off coffee but it seems pointless since I have a habit of taking worse drugs and drinking too much alcohol.

           

Thankfully there were several pots of coffee lined up in a place that was visible almost as soon as I walked into the cafeteria. I poured the regular coffee into a recyclable thermal cup and slid down the counter to add sugar and milk. I’m not ashamed to say that I like having almost a whole tablespoon of sugar in an eight-ounce coffee, so what I have a sweet tooth, who cares? I find it ridiculous that people are shamed for liking sugar in their coffee, for God’s sake does it really matter that much that I don’t prefer the bitter taste of black coffee to coffee with sugar? People irk me, they can be so judgmental of the stupidest things, honestly if it’s not hurting you what do you care?

           

I walked over to the check-out area and swiped my meal card where a smiling older woman was stationed, the lady nodded at me when the purchase went through and I went to find a seat away from as many people as possible. However, as I surveyed the room I saw a familiar head of blond hair sitting in the best shaded area of the room on a stool at a tall two-person table in front of window with the shade drawn. I made my way over to the table clutching my coffee, careful not to spill it.

           

“Don’t tell me you actually scheduled a class this early,” I remarked as I sat on the stool across from Annie. 

           

Annie looked up from her phone to look at me, slightly surprised to see me, “No of course not, I just don't sleep well at night so there’s no point on trying to fall asleep during the day.”

           

“Ah,” I nodded in understanding.

           

We sat in amiable silence as I drank my coffee, which I appreciated. Some people feel the need to always fill silence and will talk and talk and talk just to avoid the quiet. Annie clearly was not one of those people, which made me think I’ll probably end up spending a lot of my time with Annie. I watched as students came into the cafeteria for breakfast. People watching had always been a hobby of mine, especially when I was young, since the kids my age thought I was too weird and too quiet to be their friend. I learned to entertain myself with just watching them play on the playground in their different friend groups during recess.

           

“So,” Annie interrupted my thoughts, “Jean?”

           

“What about Jean?” I asked taking a sip of my now-lukewarm coffee.

           

“Well, you fucked, didn't you?” Annie asked.

           

“Yeah,” I responded trying to figure out where she was going with this.

           

“And?” Annie asked, “You have to explain that to because I’ve basically watched that loser grow up. Fourteen to eighteen is a very important time frame for maturity.”

           

“There’s not much to explain, I was horny, we were both high, we fucked, that’s it,” I informed her plainly.

           

“Yeah maybe to you, but that was his first time,” Annie explained, “he’s probably going to follow you around like a sad puppy who was showed kindness for the first time.”

           

I rolled my eyes, “That’s a bit ridiculous, your first time doesn't actually mean anything, it’s more something you have to get over with before you can start actually having a good time, like a pretest. It gives you an idea of what’s to come but you're still almost guaranteed to fail.”

           

Annie chuckled and I shrugged before taking another long swig of my coffee. It was 8:45 according to the clock on the wall over the entrance of the dining hall, so the room was almost empty; early risers were all in class and late risers were all still asleep.

           

“I should probably go, I have a class at 9:30 and I still have to go back to my dorm to get my bag,” Annie said as she put headphones into her ears and her phone in her back pocket. I waved goodbye to her as she walked away from the table and out of the cafeteria. 

           

I took the last sip of my coffee and got up to throw my trash away when my phone started ringing, startling me and causing me to jump a bit. I grabbed my phone out of my bag and checked the caller ID. Apparently, my dad wanted to check up on me, I smiled to the name on the screen and slide the bar to answer the call.

           

“Hey Dad,” I smiled and made my way out of the cafeteria.

           

“Hey sweetie,” my dad replied, “how's the school? Have you made any new friends?”

           

“I have, actually, a few, you’d be proud,” I answered.

           

“Oh, that’s great, I knew sending you to school was the right decision,” he informed me.

           

I chuckled, “Yeah I think this will be good for me Dad.”

           

I made my way outside of O’Nally Hall and walked up the path to a park bench that was placed under a tree on the way back to my dorm. I sat down and continued telling my dad what I knew about Annie, Reiner, Bert, Jean, and Marco so far, how nice the campus was, how my dorm looked so far, and pretty much everything you could ask your teenage daughter about after her first twelve hours of college.

           

“Mrs. Iocona said Sasha and Connie are obviously missing you but are being well fed,” Dad informed me.

           

Mrs. Iocona was our elderly neighbor who had offered to watch Connie and Sasha while I was away at college. I had stumbled upon Connie and Sasha when I was sixteen, they had been reincarnated as dogs, go figure, and one day when I was walking home from school I saw some lady chasing these two mutts off her lawn and into the street with a rake of all things. I like to assume the lady hadn't seen the car that was speeding down the neighborhood road, but only she knows the truth. And I, being the ‘suicidal bastard’ that I am, decided it was a great idea it run across the street and cut the dogs off before they got hit.

           

Long story short, I managed to save the mutts and then something weird happened, I still to this day don't know why or how it occurred but as soon as I looked the dogs in the eyes I had a series of flashbacks of nearly every memory I have of Connie and Sasha in the past life and somehow, I just knew it was them. I have a theory that it only happened with them because they are incapable of informing people of their identities, since it hasn't happened with anyone else I’ve reconnected with. But since that day I’ve been taking care of them and they’ve been keeping me company in my mostly empty house.

           

“That’s good to hear, I was worried she’d be asking me to take the beasts back once she realized how much they can eat,” I replied.

           

“No, I think she’s happy to have someone to cook for again,” Dad explained.

           

“You’re probably right,” I said, “listen Dad, I hate to cut you off, but I have a class in about an hour and I really need to get there on time to day.”

           

“Oh, of course, of course, I should be getting back to work anyway. Good luck with your classes today, hopefully I’ll be able to call again in a few days and you can tell me about them, okay?” 

           

“Okay sounds good Dad, I love you,” I murmured softly into the phone.

           

“I love you too, Eren,” he replied before hanging up.

           

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, listening to the sounds of the songbirds that were chirping and the muffled conversations of other students. The sun had risen and was beginning to warm my face as I relaxed into the bench and the loss of tension eased my head back. The air was warming with the rising sun and my utter lack of sleep was catching up with me and quickly, despite the caffeine I had consumed. 

           

I opened my eyes and stretched, trying to wake myself up a bit before grabbing my bag and heading up the path and back to my dorm room. I had propped the red backpack that I had used throughout high school against the wall of the hallway closest to mine and Mikasa’s bedroom door. I had shoved an old, wrinkled spiral notebook in there yesterday and I had my pens, pencils, and packs of mint gum in the front pocket. I transferred my wallet from my hobo bag and into my backpack, then I zipped it up and made my way to my first class of college.

           

I had my schedule in my phone so I pulled up my photos app and started sliding through my multitude of pictures to find the screenshot that I had taken after I had put my schedule together. According to my schedule my Spanish class was in the ‘Southbell Building,' which was almost all the way across campus, great, very convenient, I decided that I would be counting the hajj to Spanish as my exercise for the day.   

           

The campus was split into two parts by a some-what busy road, on one side of the road was student housing; everything from doubles to suites to apartment-style, the health center, and student residence and discipline center. On the other side of the road was the main campus with all the classrooms, administrators and faculty offices, student center, and pretty much everything that wasn't related to student life and residence. The two sides were connected by a long, wide bridge from easy accessibility. So, with the size of the campus considered, my trek to my Spanish class was going to take me approximately fifteen minutes to reach from my dorm, which was in the middle of the residence side of campus.

           

I popped in my headphones and made my way to Southbell Building. I wasn't the first or last person to arrive into the large lecture-style classroom, if I had to guess I would say there were about fifty other kids sitting scattered among the rows of seats. There was a large white board at the front of the room on which ‘Senora Herrara’ was written neatly in cursive.

           

I wouldn't say I’m necessarily good at Spanish but that may be because I’ve never cared enough about the class to try, I had only taken two years of Spanish, and my junior year I had taken Latin because I figured it’d be easier. I was right but that’s beside the point. I was only taking Spanish again because it’s required, and despite trying to pay attention for the first fifteen minutes of the lecture, my mind wandered elsewhere.

           

I had the same problem when I was younger and it wasn't because I’m easily distracted or something, I think I’m just as easily distracted as most people, but I did tend to ‘zone out’ and my consciousness would go somewhere that wasn't where I was physically. Be it that I have an overactive imagination or a tendency to dissociate or whatever the cause for this is, I have yet to find something to prevent it from happening, especially when I’m in class. One minute I could be in class learning about the different between preterit and perfect tenses and the next I’m drowning in a dark hole of thoughts and fears and past events and nightmares and pretty much anything my mind creates for me to take my focus off what was being taught. This is also why my best thinking tends to happen either in class or when I’m taking a bath.

           

Señora Herrara probably had a great first class, but I definitely zoned out for almost all of it because the last thing I remembered was her telling us about her office hours and grading system, and now the class is over and everyone’s gathering their stuff and leaving the large lecture room. God, am I thankful for lecture classes. It seems like she didn't even notice that I wasn’t taking any notes thanks to all the other people around me. I slung my backpack over one of my shoulders and followed everyone out the door to make my way back to the cafeteria, once again, to find Mikasa for lunch.

           

The sun was now fully risen and it was fucking hot outside. I was regretting the long sleeves despite the lighter material. College starts too early, if blasting the air conditioners is the only way you're able to breathe because it’s so hot outside, you shouldn't be leaving your house let alone walking around a huge college campus to go to classes and shit.

           

I was almost at the door of O’Nally Hall when a hand reached and grabbed my arm and yanked me away from the door and around the side of the building, causing me to stumble into a wall. I looked up to yell at whoever had thought it was a good idea to manhandle me on my way to lunch, but stopped when I saw it was just Jean, who was glaring down at me angrily.

           

My brow furrowed in confusion, “Why?”

           

“What the fuck Eren?” He growled at me under his breath.

           

“I think I should be asking you that, grumpy,” I crossed my arms and stared back at him challengingly.

           

“Um, last night?” He said as if I’d somehow forgotten.

           

“Yes, what about it?”

           

“What do you mean ‘what about it’,” Jean exclaimed, “we fucked Eren, what the hell?”

           

I stared at him unsure what to say, “uh, yeah, Jean, I do remember that, why are you being all yell-y?”

           

Jean let out a groan of exasperation, “Eren you took my virginity!”  
           

“Yes, you're welcome,” I replied.

           

“What the hell, I wanted my first time in this life to mean something, hence why I am eighteen and still a virgin!” Jean added, “Was a virgin.”

           

“Jean, chill, I mean you know that losing your virginity really isn't that big of a deal, right?” I said slowly, trying to calm him down, “It’s honestly so over-hyped, it’s almost always bad anyway so why would you want to have bad sex with someone you care about? I don't understand that logic.”  
           

“It’s supposed to be something you give to someone you love because you trust them and want to share a very intimate experience with them,” Jean growled again, “there's a reason it’s called ‘love-making’ for fuck’s sake! It’s not just something you just give someone because you are high and horny. What kind of person goes around having sex just because they can?”

           

_Me,_ I thought as I glared harshly at the two-toned boy, “You know what Jean, fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking sentiment. You’re acting like a fifteen-year-old girl, grow up. Sex is just sex, and it doesn't mean any more than you let it. So, you can fuck off with your self-righteous standards.”

           

“I can’t believe I slept with someone so fucking easy,” Jean sneered.

           

“Oh wow, that hurts, because I’ve never heard that one before,” I shot back sarcastically.

           

“I don’t know what the fuck happened to you Eren, but just because you're digging yourself into a dirty hole doesn't mean you need to drag everyone down with you,” Jean said with a disgusted voice before walking away shaking his head.

           

I can’t say it didn't hurt to hear him say all of that, but I was used to it. I had decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to be living my life for anyone else anymore. That I was going to do whatever the fuck made me feel good without needing anyone else, because I was tired of wallowing in self-pity and doing things that made other people happy. Doing that brought me nothing but pain, needing and living for other people was the easiest way to get hurt in my experience. So, Jean can say whatever he likes about me. I closed my eyes and leaned back against wall. I took a few deep breaths and I opened my eyes, I walked away from O’Nally Hall and towards mine and Mikasa’s dorm. Mikasa would just have to meet up with me later, I decided, I’d had enough social interaction for the day.

           

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren bumps into someone and goes to history

It’s amazing what sleep can do for your psyche, it’s almost as if every time you fall sleep, be it for an hour or twelve, you’re resetting yourself and you can start fresh when you wake up. Therefore, after my confrontation with Jean, I decided to knock for the few hours before my history class began. 

The alarm of my phone sounded at 3:30, almost three hours after I had fallen asleep. I groggily pushed myself into a sitting position and glanced around the room as my eyes adjusted. I got out bed and waddled over to the bathroom to brush my teeth, because my mouth was thick with sleep. I made the mistake of glancing at myself in the mirror as I scrubbed my teeth with peppermint toothpaste. 

My hair was a mess and my clothes are wrinkled because I didn't change before climbing into bed. Some of the mascara that I had applied earlier had rubbed black into my under eye while I had been tossing and turning in my sleep. And my concealer was practically non-existent, exposing the dark circles that I had acquired from lack of sleep. I spit the toothpaste into the sink and rinsed out my mouth with water. 

I changed hastily into a baggy black short sleeve shirt and a pair of black leggings, because all-black outfits are generally the easiest things to put together. I grabbed my phone from its place on my desk, and shoved it into the waistband of my leggings because I lacked pockets. I grabbed by bag and keys and headed back over to the other side of campus for history.

I was not prepared for the brightness of the sun and squinted to shield my eyes from its harsh rays. I cursed myself for forgetting my sunglasses and continued making my way down the path with my eyes half open, which was exactly why I walk straight into someone, despite them being almost exactly my height.

“Hey!” The poor guy that I had slammed into the ground shouted.

“Oh fuck, sorry,” I said as I offered a hand to help him up. He smacked it away, lightly, and got up on his own, before getting all up in my face. 

“Why the fuck are you walking with your eyes closed?” He asked incredulously. I took in his features and my breath got caught in my throat. 

I opened my mouth to respond by no words could come out, and I continued to gape at him. Of course, I would happen to attend the same college as him. How is it that of all the colleges that I could have attended, I ended up at the same one as Levi Ackerman? And not only that but I managed to run right into him, literally, on my first day of classes. Honestly, the world just loves to screw me over.

“Right,” he said after accepting that I wouldn't be responding, “well next time you should walk with your shitty eyes open, you know so you can see and don't mow down innocent people.”  
I felt bile churning in my gut and tried to force down the nausea. Levi was still angrily staring at me, awaiting a response. But, despite my best efforts, vomit crept up the back of my throat anyway, and I desperately ran to the nearest trashcan to throw up whatever had made its way into my stomach. My vomit ended up being mostly acid and the back of my throat was burning with its expulsion.

“Kid?” I heard a hesitant, borderline concerned tone in the painfully familiar voice.

The thought of seeing his face wiped with concern for me caused another wave of nausea to come over me, so I kept my head down in the trash can and threw a thumbs up to him over my shoulder.

“Alright,” he accepted tentatively, “drink more responsibly next time, brat. And make sure you drink a lot of water today.”

My heart warmed at his concern against my will. I waited to hear him walk away before lifting my head from the trashcan. I sighed angrily and ran my hand over my face. Absolutely pathetic. I knew I shouldn’t let him have so much power over me, but for the life of me I didn’t know how to take it away, I had tried for years to no avail. I took a few minutes to collect myself, I couldn’t fall apart, no here, not now. I had class and I refused to fuck up and waste my dad’s hard work on my first day of classes. I grabbed a piece of gum out of my bag to get the taste of bile out of my mouth and pushed my headphones into my ears before I resumed my trek to history class.

 

Because my history class had been marked as being taught by “Staff,” meaning they hadn’t found a teacher for the class when I had registered, nothing had prepared me for the sight of Petra Ral standing at the front of my history class. She was older than when I had known her, she had deeper crow’s feet and laughter lines and a few grey hairs, but her warm face and stark auburn hair was unmistakable. For the second time in one day, my breath was stolen from me by someone’s face, and I was overcome by the urge to vomit once more.

First the man I love, now the woman I killed, I would really like to know what I did to deserve this. Maybe this is what I get for fucking Jean while we were both under the influence. If that’s what it is, I’ll get on my knees and beg his forgiveness, anything to make this terrible luck stop. 

Petra started her class at 4:00 on the dot, it was a small class of about twenty-five students including myself. She introduced herself as Professor Ral but said that we were welcome to call her Petra, because Professor Ral made her feel old, the class had chuckled at this explanation. She passed her syllabus out and began going over each point. Fifteen minutes in, she had finished gong over the syllabus and taking questions on the syllabus.

“I know you guys don’t want to have a lesson today, and to be honest I don’t really want to teach a lesson today, so how about I take attendance really quick, so I can familiarize myself with your names, and then we can be done for the day?” Petra asked. 

Of course, the reply was a resounding yes, because she was right, no one wanted to have a lesson during syllabus week. I felt dread pool in my chest as I realized what was about to happen. 

Petra began reading off names in alphabetical order, and my anxiety spiked with every name. There were three A names, one B, no C’s, and so far, two D’s. 

“E-Eren,” Petra stuttered at my name, before clearing her throat as if something had gotten caught in the back of it, I had my head down looking at my lap so I couldn’t see her face, “Eren Jaeger?”

I tentatively raised my hand from my seat in the back of the room, keeping my head down facing my lap. When only silence ensued, I was forced to look up and met Petra’s eyes, her expression was utterly unreadable. I forced my head back down in shame, and she continued listing off the names of the other students.

When Petra finally got to the end of the roster, she dismissed class and reminded us to bring our textbooks and notebooks to the next class. I hurriedly shoved my stuff into my backpack, keeping my head down and calmly made my way to the door.

“Eren?” Petra’s voice stopped me in tracks and I stood stiff as a board with my back to her as the rest of the class left the room.

When everyone else had left, and Petra and I were the only ones left in the room, she spoke again.

“I know that you remember Eren, I could see it in your eyes, that’s why I needed you to look at me,” Petra said warmly.

I held my position frozen by the door with my back to her. I didn’t move or make a sound and my heart hammered in my chest.

“Eren,” she called softy, as if to a startled animal, “why won’t you look at me?”

“I killed you,” I whispered as grief built up in my chest. It was the first time I had admitted to that out loud to anyone and it stung like a hot knife. Tears began rolling down my face and I heard Petra’s gasp, followed by the sound of quick steps coming towards me.

Suddenly I was spun around and Petra wrapped one arm around my back while the other cupped the back of my head, guiding it into the crook of her neck. The warmth of her embrace made the tears fall harder and I broke down into sobs in her arms.

“Shh, shh, no Sweetheart, don’t cry, it wasn’t your fault,” Petra cooed as she stroked the back of my head tenderly, “it wasn’t your fault, you were a child and you tried your best, it wasn’t your fault.”

Her calming reassurances only served to make me cry harder. All my life I had blamed myself for the deaths of Levi’s squad, and all my life I had yearned for someone to comfort me through the harsh memories of my past. Now, in this moment, I had both, and it overwhelmed me. I had spent so long trying to be strong and trying to move on from what had happened that day in the forest, but I never got any of closure that I needed for that to happen.

As my sobs eased to hiccups, Petra slowly pulled my face from her neck and cradled my cheek, looking into my eyes. I stared back into her honey gaze, waiting to hear what she had to say.

“Eren,” she whispered to me, “I never once blamed you for my death, and neither have any of the others. It was not your fault and I am so sorry that you spent two lives thinking that it was.”

I took in the words, they soothed my guilt like a balm and I continued to stare up at her despondently, “I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s okay, Hun,” Petra said pulling me into another tight embrace before releasing me and stepping back. She wiped a few tears from the corners of her eyes and sniffled a bit, then shot me a warm smile.

“I think that’s enough negative emotions for one day, huh?” she asked me.

I nodded back numbly recalling the emotionally exhausting events of my day, “You have no idea.”

She gave me a knowing look but didn’t respond. Petra walked over to her desk at the front of the room and grabbed her purse from underneath it. She turned to me and we walked together out of the classroom. Not a word was spoken between us as we made our way through the hall, down the stairs, and out of the building. Before we could part to head to our respective destinations, Petra grabbed my arm and handed me a small paper card.

“It has my personal number on the back,” she explained, “if you ever need anything, to talk, a distraction, even just a ride, if you need anything Eren, you call me, and I will be there.”

Tears burned the backs of my eyes once more but I blinked them away as I nodded back to Petra in acquiescence, a small smile gracing my face.

Petra returned the smile with one of her own and nodded at me, “alright then, I will see you in class on Thursday.”

I smiled back at her, and Petra turned away from me and down the path toward the building where she had informed us that the History offices were. I popped in my headphones and began walking towards mine and Mikasa’s dorm.

When I arrived, Mikasa was sitting at her desk and leaning over a textbook.

“Our first day has hardly ended and you’re studying,” I commented incredulously as I swung my backpack onto the floor.

Mikasa turned to me abruptly, “Where were you at lunch, we said we’d meet at one.”

I sighed and looked away from her as I remembered my confrontation with Jean.

“Eren?” Mikasa’s tone softened as she realized that I was upset about something, because Mikasa could always tell.

“Just got into a little argument with Jean and didn’t feel like eating, so I came here and took a nap before class,” I explained minimally.

“Why were you arguing, for God’s sake, you’ve only been in each other’s presence for one day,” Mikasa asked exacerbated.

“Look it’s not that big a deal, and I really don’t want to get into it, I’ve had a long day and all I want is some Chinese take-out and to go to bed,” I said throwing myself face first onto my mattress pitifully.

Mikasa looked at me for a minute before giving in, “chicken and broccoli, pork lo mein, and two chicken egg rolls?”

I grinned into my mattress as she recited our usual order before lifting my head to look into her chocolate eyes, “I love you.”

Mikasa grinned and shook her head, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll order it, you go shower.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classes day two

The second day of classes was extremely uneventful in comparison to the first. I had gotten a decent amount of sleep, a rarity for me. Of course, I’d still woken up with nightmares at three in the morning, but I was able to pass out again a half hour later, and get a few more hours of sleep before Mikasa woke me up to unpack. My first class, sociology didn’t start until noon, so Mikasa and I had decided to call in early the night before and get up at seven to unpack all the boxes that were sitting piled up in the corner of our bedroom.

 

I didn’t have much in the decoration department, unlike Mikasa, so I had less to unpack and organize. For the past two days, I had been sleeping on a bare mattress with just the blanket and pillow that I had used in the car on the way to school, so my first order of business was to make my bed. I had my old, worn sheets, from my bed at home, and a flowery quilt that had once belonged to my mother. It wasn’t much, but it did make the room feel more like my own seeing them on the bunk. I situated my coffee maker and electric kettle on my desk and stuffed the cardboard box of coffee grounds as well as my tea collection under my bed.

 

I had already thrown my makeup in the top drawer of my desk and my textbooks and notebooks into the bottom drawer the day before. I grabbed my pens, pencils, highlighters, and a pair of scissors and put them into a mason jar on top of my desk next to the coffee maker. My clothes were mostly unpacked except for the few hanging clothes that I had packed into the boxes that my dad and Mikasa’s parents had paid to be dropped off for us. I took those out and hung them up in the closet next to Mikasa’s. Mikasa’s clothes took up most of the closet, but that was fine with me because I had fewer clothes than she did anyway.

 

Mikasa and I continued our work in silence, Mikasa knew better than to try and converse with me before I had had at least one cup of coffee. So, as Mikasa finished decorating her bunk and desk with photos and Christmas lights and the like, in a very Pinterest fashion, I set up my coffee maker and filled it with enough water and grounds for three cups, as I assumed that Mikasa would be having some. I sat tiredly at my desk watching the carafe fill up slowly, but surely, with my favorite dark roast. It had finished filling up in about three minutes so I grabbed my mug and one of Mikasa’s, filled them three-fourths of the way full of coffee, and topped them off with the milk that Mikasa had bought at some point yesterday that was being stored in our mini-fridge.

  
Mikasa offered me a grateful look as I offered the mug to her and brought it to her lips, closing her eyes contentedly as she sipped at the coffee. I returned to my desk and ripped open a couple of the sugar packets I had stolen from the dining hall yesterday morning, and stirred them into my coffee. I sat at my desk and stared out the window as I drank my coffee. Students were scattered along the path, walking to class and breakfast, chatting happily with their friends, old and new. It was sunny again, which meant it would be hot too. I internally prayed for a storm to take away some of the heat, but I knew the forecast wasn’t calling for rain this week.

 

“All right,” Mikasa’s voice broke the silence of the morning and tore my gaze away from the window, “all done. What do you think?”

 

I looked around the tiny room. On her bed was a thick, white down comforter with a beige knit blanket, that I knew her mother had made for her, folded neatly at the end of it. Her pillow was covered in a white pillow case, two identical knit throw pillows were placed in front of it, and a small brown rectangular pillow sat in front of them. On the wall, next to her bed, was a modest four-by-three grid of black and white pictures of her family, Armin and I, some photos that she had taken during her photography class in high school, and even one of Connie and Sasha. Above the grid of photos was a strand of tassels that she had made over the summer with different nude colored yarns, and of course, as is the same in every girl’s dorm room, there was a strand of Christmas lights along the ceiling next to her bed.

 

Above her desk was a board separated into three sections, a dry erase calendar, a cork board, and a regular dry erase board. All her necklaces were pinned to the cork board so they wouldn’t get tangled, and her schedule hung on the dry erase board with a light blue magnet. The calendar was written on with red, black, and blue marker, filling out all Mikasa’s plans for the month so far. Her desk was bare except for a magnifying mirror, a filled office supply organizer, and a small plant. The computer, that she had bought after working the whole summer, was charging on the desk in front of the chair.

 

I looked over at her after finishing my assessment, “Very nice, Mikasa.”

 

She allowed for a small, pleased smile to grace her face as she looked around once more. She walked over to the door where she had hung a few command hooks for our keys and backpacks and grabbed hers from where they hung.

 

“Alright I’ll see you in a few hours for lunch,” Mikasa called over her shoulder, “and don’t you ditch me this time, we can eat outside if you and Jean insist on being stubborn.”

 

“Okay, okay, I’ll see you at two then?” I clarified, since that was when my hour break between classes was today.

 

“Yeah, two, but you need to eat something before that, I have a few granola bars in the box above the fridge if you want one,” Mikasa replied.

 

“Sure, thanks,” I said, “have fun in class.”

 

“I will,” Mikasa smirked, “bye.”

  
I waved her out the door and turned around to pour myself my second cup of coffee. I spent the next few hours wasting my time watching YouTube videos on my dad’s hand-me-down dinosaur of a computer, before getting ready for class. I had calculus right after sociology, and I was meeting Mikasa for lunch in between then and my last class, philosophy, so when classes started, I would need to pack all my books for those classes. Thank God for syllabus week I suppose.

 

I got dressed in a pair of jean shorts and a comfortable t-shirt, and, after deciding that I was too lazy for eye makeup, I quickly through on some concealer and called it a day. I grabbed my backpack and keys and made my way out of the dorm and to my soc class.

 

Sociology and calculus followed the same routine as my two classes the day before; introductions, followed by class rules, followed by the syllabus, followed by questions. Thankfully this spiel took up the entirety of both classes, so no lessons were taught.

 

I met Mikasa for lunch at almost two on the dot, and we walked through the dining hall to buy our food. While we stood in the check-out line, I caught Jean’s eye from where he stood, near the door waiting for Marco, who was throwing away his trash. I shot him a wink and bit my lower lip sensually because I knew it would bother him and I’m an asshole. I was one hundred percent correct because his face turned bright red, in embarrassment or anger, I wasn’t sure, and his face scrunched up in discomfort as he quickly tore his eyes away from me to look at Marco who was now standing beside him, looking very confused. Poor freckled Jesus. Marco looked over to me trying to figure out why his horse-faced friend and gotten so upset, and I offered him a wave and a small smile. He returned a confused smile before ushering a still upset Jean out the door.

 

“Did you have to do that?” Mikasa asked in aggravation.

 

I shrugged but didn’t respond because honestly, I really didn’t, but as afore mentioned, I’m an asshole and it did give me some small satisfaction to get a reaction out of my old bantering partner. Because I ever _really_ hated Jean, I just loved making him mad, because he made it so easy. And with the amount that he would go out of his way to piss me off in our past life, he liked it just as much as I did.

 

“Whatever,” Mikasa sighed, “let’s just go eat in the quad, it’s nice out and there’s a breeze so it won’t be too hot in the shade.”

 

“Sounds good,” I replied, grabbing the food that I had just swiped for. I followed Mikasa outside and under an oak tree on the lawn.

 

We spent the rest of my hour break catching up; we talked about our classes, our professors, how we thought the year would go in each one so far. Mikasa loved learning, probably even more so than Armin. She would study any textbook handed to her because she had some thirst for information. Of course, she didn’t absorb the information like a sponge in the way Armin did, but Armin was a genius and was going to an IV league, so it wasn’t a fair comparison.

 

“You still planning on going for Bio-chem?” I asked after she finished raving about how interesting her biology professor had been that morning.

 

“Yeah, I think so,” she replied, “it seems interesting, and it’s a good field with a lot of jobs that might pay for me to go to grad school.”

 

“Nice,” I replied. I had expected that answer, Mikasa really wanted to go to grad school, but she knew he parents couldn’t afford it right after paying her college tuition, so she had been researching scholarships and the like since junior year.

 

“What about you?” Mikasa asked, “Have you decided what you want to study yet?”

 

The thing is, since I hadn’t been planning to go to college, I hadn’t exactly thought about any majors or minors. My dad had suggested I just take some liberal arts classes and see if anything strikes my fancy, which is why my schedule was filled with so many different classes.

 

“No, not yet,” I replied dully, “I’ll find something eventually.”

 

Mikasa offered me an empathetic grimace, knowing that the topic of my major really stressed me out, “Well, you should head to class, it’s ten to three.”

 

I checked the time on my phone and saw that she was right. I nodded and got up from where I sat under the tree and slung my bag over my shoulder.

 

“See you later,” I called to Mikasa as I began making my way to class.

 

“See you,” she called back.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My philosophy professor was a weird guy, but I supposed that is to be expected when you’ve spent your life studying a bunch of old guys’ theories on how the universe works and pondering the meaning of your own existence. He had a long salt and pepper beard and gray hair that was parted in the middle. He was tall and in pretty good shape for his age, since he was the girls track and field coach and participated in charitable triathlons a few times a year.

 

He, of course, offered the class the highlights of the syllabus and took questions, as each is professor is required to do. But he spent most of the class asking us to solve riddles and puzzles from ancient philosophers such as Plato and Socrates. It was pretty fun and I didn’t mind staying the extra ten minutes so he could explain the answer to the last one he had given us, which is an impressive feat on its own.

 

After leaving the class, I popped in my headphones, as per usual, and decided to take the scenic route back to mine and Mikasa’s dorm. Instead of going through campus, I went around it, behind all the old buildings, along the desolate road from which Mikasa and I had come when driving to the school. Since the college was practically in the middle of nowhere, there was nothing but trees and wildlife along the road, so it was quiet and peaceful. I took my headphones out to appreciate the calming sounds of cicadas buzzing in the trees and the occasional chirping bird.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” a voice interrupted the quiet, “you miss me, okay.”

 

I couldn’t see who it was, but I’d know that voice anywhere. And my shit luck just reaffirmed that it was who I assumed that it was.

 

“It can’t be that bad, this year you have that little friend of yours with you.”

 

As I closed the distance between myself and the voice I could see Levi standing up against a tree with a hand pressed to his right ear, supposedly holding a phone, since there was no one else around. He was about twenty feet away from me and his eyes were closed as he spoke into the phone, so he hadn’t noticed my presence yet.

 

“The little mushroom,” he clarified to the other person on the line, “from high school, you took him practically everywhere with you.”

 

I stood still unsure of if I should just turn around and go a different way.

 

“Fuck you Erwin, I’ll call the little shit whatever I want to call him,” Levi said good-naturedly.

 

I sucked in a breath as my heart clenched in my chest. For fucks sake, it really shouldn’t hurt me this bad to know that they’re talking to each other. They’ve been dating for years and I’ve known that, but for some fucking reason my subconscious thinks that he’s still mine. It’s like every time I’m reminded that Levi’s dating someone who isn’t me, seriously dating someone, for years, I feel like I’ve been replaced. But Levi doesn’t even fucking remember me, so there’s nothing to replace.

 

“Yeah, okay, I gotta go, we can skype later or some shit okay? Have fun with your mushroom.” Levi smiled into the phone listening to whatever Erwin’s reply to that was before pulling his phone away from his ear and hanging up the call. I hurriedly started walking as nonchalantly as I could manage in his direction, not wanting him to pay any attention to me. I kept my head down as I walked and prayed he wouldn’t say anything to me.

 

“Oi, brat, what the fuck did I tell you about looking in front of you?”

 

Well, we all know my fucking luck by this point, are we even surprised? I took a deep breath and raised my head to look at him. He was standing by the tree looking right at me with his arms crossed and his eyebrow raised.

 

“Uh, to do that?” I blurted out.

 

“Yeah,” he shook his head in exasperation, “I was willing to let yesterday go since you were super hungover, but if this is a thing you do all the time we are going to have a problem. I already had a bruise on my ass from yesterday, I don’t need any more.”

 

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

 

He took a step closer and my heart sped up, “You okay kid?”

 

I looked up at him and met his eyes, nodding before looking away awkwardly. With the way this conversation was going, maybe he’d just assume I have social anxiety or something and leave me alone.

 

“Do I know you from somewhere?” He asked suddenly.

 

Hope flooded through me, and I met his curious gaze. My breath caught in my throat, but I forced out the words, “I don’t know.”

 

He scrutinized my face for a moment as if searching for something, my heart continued to hammer in anticipation. _Remember me, remember me, remember me,_ I chanted like a prayer in my head.

 

“Wait, aren’t you friends with the mushroom?” Levi asked, “What’s his name, little blonde kid with the bowl cut. He’s some kind of genius, probably should have skipped a few grades, hangs out with a hippy that, if he had any interest in sports, could have been a line-backer?”

 

My heart sank with disappointment, “Armin.”

 

Levi snapped his fingers, “That’s the one. We met once, right? You helped me move into Erwin’s house when my uncle kicked me out.”

 

I nodded in affirmation, “Yeah, sorry didn’t recognize you.”  
  
“That’s fine I didn’t recognize you either,” he replied.

 

I offered him an uncomfortable smile.

 

“Right, well, I gotta go, but I’ll see you around I guess,” he said.

 

I nodded, “Yeah, see you around.”

 

I watched as he turned and disappeared between the two old buildings into campus. I took a few deep breaths through my nose and out my mouth, waiting for my elevated heartrate to slow to normal.

 

 _Why do these things keep happening to me?_ I thought as I collected myself enough to continue my journey back to the dorm.

 


End file.
